why does everyone hate avoidants all of a sudden?

– on avoidant attachment style and repackaged nonchalance.

It's always interesting to see what new thing everyone on the internet is collectively hating, and currently, it is avoidants. Also known as avoidant attachment style, avoidants are characterized by emotional distance, self-reliance, and discomfort with closeness.

But before we go into this, let me tell you a short story. I played a little game on Sunday afternoon in my friend's room. For every question about me she got correctly, I would give her money (the money belonged to her; I just took it to cause trouble).

I asked her about my favorite color, birthdate, drink, and other simple stuff. She got them all wrong and said, "I might not know all that trivial stuff, but I do know you have an avoidant attachment style."

Color me surprised.

I'd never shared this with anyone, so I wondered whether it was so evident that she'd noticed. I am fully aware of my attachment style. In January 2024, I took three tests, all with the same result: Avoidant Attachment Style.

Avoidance and Nonchalance. What’s the Catch?

For as long as I can remember, it has never been considered ideal to be reliant on other people. I saw this in Wattpad stories and shows (specifically dramas) while I was growing up, where the ‘bad boy’ who was always chill, hyper-independent, and oftentimes unfeeling got the girl. Then, the second male lead, who was very in tune with his emotions and communicative, hardly got chosen.

Nonchalance has always been romanticized. We see it in tropes like ‘grumpy x sunshine’ or ‘I hate everyone but you,’ where everyone is given a set personality trait and follows it to the tiniest details.

However, now that yearning (finally) is back, and no one wants the nonchalant person, many critiques have been given to people with avoidant attachment styles. This is because the behaviors of people with avoidant attachments typically align with the picture of nonchalance.

Not All Avoidants Are Bad. Here’s Why

Avoidant attachment style typically develops in childhood when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive, leading the individual to suppress their needs for connection as a coping mechanism. However, other things like traumatic experiences, certain personality traits, and environmental or societal influences can cause this.

We live in a society that prioritizes hyper-independence, the constant hustle, and grind to such a large extent that people are slowly getting more comfortable with surface-level connections (or low-maintenance relationships) and are scared of vulnerability.

There is a common misconception of avoidants. They are typically seen as rude, selfish, emotionally unavailable, evil in relationships, or unfeeling when, in reality, they want to show said affection, but it doesn't come quickly to them. This is where self-reflection, growth, and even therapy come in.

Some avoidants are great people. They're fantastic as friends or partners, and some avoidants are horrible people as well. Some people with secure attachment styles might not be good.

The Beef With Avoidants

The crux of the matter is how people on the internet take a term, run with it, and use it as an excuse for their horrible behavior. They try to defend themselves even after deliberately causing harm to another person while acting like the reason for their behavior can't be fixed or is out of their control.

We tend to wear our flaws like a badge of honor without taking proper measures to change. Don't get me wrong, acknowledging where you fall short is a good thing, but it isn't right to justify hurting someone based on specific behavioral flaws.

Most people have beef with avoidants because they're fully aware of their actions and how they deliberately push people who genuinely want to help away.

- Isn't this crazy?

When we are so comfortable with our weaknesses and less willing to change, we create a bad reputation for ourselves and others who struggle with something similar.

Because they're used to doing everything alone, avoidants want to spare everyone the hassle that is themselves, forgetting that people want to be present for them emotionally. This leads to emotional burnout, isolation, and misunderstandings in relationships that could be healthy and fulfilling if there wasn't an avoidance of vulnerability.

You'll see an 'avoidant boyfriend' purposefully ignoring his girlfriend for days when a simple text could have been sent to let her know you need space.

People don’t hate avoidants, they hate their unwillingness to work on themselves.

When There Is A Will, There Is A Way

Personally, I don't like opening up, but I have to. I feel overwhelmed when I start getting close to someone emotionally, and I would love to avoid emotionally charged conversations simply because it requires a lot of emotional investment.

But I have had difficult conversations because you can't live without vulnerability.

I've had friends get upset with me because I didn't let them know when I was struggling. It was so odd to me since I'm used to handling things on my own, but I eventually understood that deep and sustained connections are created through trust and reliance when you are in relationships with people.

Some people make consistent efforts to be better for themselves and the people in their lives. This takes a lot of work and requires challenging negative beliefs that have been held onto for a long time.

To avoidants, take time to get better and learn how to communicate. I promise that not everyone will shut you down when you open up. There are people that have their arms open waiting for you, don’t forget that. Also, if you know you're not emotionally ready for a relationship's commitment, do yourself a favor and get a pet. You don't have to be with someone.

You owe it to yourself first to be securely attached before you owe it to anyone else. It is a long process, but it is necessary.

To others, nobody is perfect, and there are times when we might need to extend a little more grace to the people in our lives. It requires patience, and there are certain situations in which you have to leave people who refuse to change because you can't help someone who refuses to get better. You're not Bob the Builder or a mechanic; leave that person alone.

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Helpful Resources.

1. Simply Psychology

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